February 7, 2007

Hello God

I'm calling for a blessing
Oh no, it's not for me
For all my special friends
The hearts I always see

Ones who need an extra hug
A special gentle kiss
Been thinking of them lately
So I thought I'd ask You this
Life is pretty hard now
For some of my sweet friends
So thought I'd ask this favor
I know Your love does mend

Each one of them so special
I'd like for them to know
I'm pulling for them daily
Within my heart they glow

So Jesus just one favor
It's all I ask of You
Give my friends a message
A blessing maybe two

Give to them Your softness
Let them know You care
Their hearts are truly hurting
I know You will repair

Thank you for this privilege
To speak so candidly
I'll stop by to see you later
I need a hug for me.

~ Francine Pucillo ~

January 19, 2007

Well, I went to my interview yesterday, and it went well because I have a second interview today. The store doesn't open until March 23, but if I get the job position orientation will start March 3rd. It will be nice to get busy again because all this idol time isn't healthy for my mind and soul.

I went to my second kinship group last night and it was a very interesting group about how connected we feel to God, but in regards to our hearts. I'm learning a lot, and it is nice to be around people that are searching for the same thing I am, which is to develop a better, more connected, and personal relationship with the Lord. I know that it is possible for me, but I have to do the footwork. I have been connecting to God a lot these days because of Ron's situation with Larry. I was driving home last night and I got a call from Ron saying that Larry was asking for me, and could I come right away, so I turned around and went and visited Larry, which was very nice. I really believe that Larry and I are making some living amends to one another without words. This has been a really hard process to watch Ron go through, but I'm just holding myself available for whatever he needs from me.

I have been doing some grieving myself because of my loss around my last sponsor. I have called her a couple times, and told her last night how much I miss her, and it was nice because she said she misses me too. That felt good. I feel sad that she isn't in my life in the same capacity as she was, but I am also grateful that she is still in my life. I know there is a reason for all of this, so I'm trusting that God is taking care of me. I hope everyone has a great day! Love, Tina

January 17, 2007

I just got a call from a job perspective asking if I would like to set up an interview, so it is set for tomorrow at 3pm. I have been looking for a part time position to help out with bills, and saw a sign at the new Best Buy that is coming to our area, so I filled out an application online last week. I really like working retail because it is fun and easy. Also, it is the type of job I can leave there emotionally once I'm done my shift. I will update everyone tomorrow letting you know how the interview goes.

Ron got to spend a lot of time yesterday with Larry, which was nice. I drove down to Hospice last night to give Ron some dinner, and Larry was really very nice, he asked me for a hug, which is one of the ways I caught God loving me yesterday. What an amazing thing to watch when someone dies with so much dignity. He really touched my heart last night, and for that, I'm so grateful to God for showing me that not all deaths have to be about drama, that some are very positive, dignified, loving, and uneventful. Larry's wife Margaret is a very religious woman, and it has been so nice to watch such dedication, commitment, and love pour out of a woman for God, her husband, and others that have showed up in Larry's room. I continue to pray for all that are touched by Larry and his process.

January 16, 2007

Hello everyone, Happy New Year to all my visitors. I have been busy these days and making a lot of changes in my life, and they are positive changes that feel good. It is nice to have the choice of making my own decisions and accepting the outcome whether it be positive or negative. I have been attending church regularly, and I even started going to a kinship group on Thursday nights to learn more about the Bible, and it seems to be a great group of people. I'm so grateful that God gave me the courage to attend my first meeting last week because I was quite nervous. I only knew one person out of 8 people that attended. It was a nice experience, and I'm glad I didn't allow my fear to get in the way.

My fiance has been having a really difficult time because his sponsor in AA is dying of lung cancer, so he has been sleeping at Hospice with his sponsor Larry, so that Larry's wife Margaret can go home and take a much needed break to get some sleep. Ron, my fiance, has been going through a lot of difficult emotions with Larry's dying process. There has been a lot of denial along with having a difficult time connecting to God. Ron and Larry have been working together for 19 years, and Ron really feels like Larry has been a father figure to him, and often speaks about how Larry has taught him how to live life sober. I have been praying for all of them, and really just trying to be here for Ron. I feel so sad watching Ron go through this difficult process in his life.

I hope everyone has a great day, and thanks for stopping by.

November 29, 2006

Wow! I haven't been sleeping well because we have mice here at home. We live in the country, so I guess little field mice are to be expected, but they are totally disgusting because they get into everything. They actually chewed little holes in one of my favorite shirts. YUCK! I really can't stand little bugs, snakes, or little critters especially when they try to live with me, LOL! I feel afraid that I'm going to see them, so I put the lights on and make noises when I come home after being out for awhile, so they will run away. Needless to say, I haven't slept well becasue of it; however, last night I did because I was so exhausted, so today I woke up feeling rested. I'm glad because I'm traveling to Portland tonight with other friends who are in recovery also, and we are attending an ACOA/Al-Anon meeting, which is a really healthy meeting. Actually, it is the only one of its kind around...I'm really grateful that I found it a year ago.

I hope everyone has a great day!

November 27, 2006

Good morning my friends and family! I woke up with some unsettled feelings, so I have been journaling, which to my surprise has been a great tool for me these days. I have actually began writing poetry again in my journal. My sponsor suggested I start writing again, and whenever she suggests it, I say "I don't like that", which she knows, but she keeps suggesting it, so I thought I would start comprising different recovery tools in it again.

I have been working on my explosive tendencies, and I have been gathering my troops together from church to help with this crusade, and I have to say that since my prayer soaking I have felt some relief from my rage...thank God! I have also been frequenting the Wisdom's Center weekly, and sitting with my spiritual advisors, and talking to them about my relationship with my Higher Power. It has been an interesting couple of weeks.

I also wanted to mention that my Thanksgiving went well besides a few little inconsistencies. I felt so proud because I cooked the whole dinner myself, which was the first time I've ever done that. Yeehaa for me :) I truly dislike cooking, so that was a great feat for me, nonetheless, I did it, and it did feel good. I hope everyone had a great holiday who celebrates it. Have a great day everyone, and thanks for stopping by my recovery world.

November 18, 2006

The answer to personality problems is found in a quiet return to God-like thinking. --Science of Mind magazine

When we're edgy and critical or perhaps feeling inadequate or depressed, we've lost our attunement with God. And when acting the way God would have us act is no longer our priority, our character defects once again emerge and, in time, grow ever more numerous.

We can make the simple decision to always check out our proposed behavior against the behavior we know is from God. When we remember to think of God first before proceeding, we avoid unnecessary conflicts; we refrain from consciously hurting anyone; we manage to take our experiences restfully, moment by moment.

There's really no mystery to having a rewarding and peaceful life. Those we notice who do have likely made a more frequent companion of God than we. The decision to work more on our own friendship with God is an easy one to make.

I will act according to God's wishes today and, in the process, strengthen our friendship

November 15, 2006

Wow! I can't believe how long it has been since I've updated my journal here at Tina's Recovery World. I have had a lot of stuff happen in the last few months. I just spoke to my sponsor and it's time to let the secret out. I'm not going to keep hurting the people around me. I'm going to take responsibility for my attitudes and actions because I'm only as sick as my secrets. I have been violent in my home, why? I'm not sure, but I can tell you that it's time to claim my seat and let everyone know what's going on in my neck of the woods. It's not ok to hit, throw things, call names, or intimidate anyone, especially when it comes to people I admire and love a great deal. My fiance Ron is my biggest enabler, who I love dearly, but he is helping me to remain sick, so I have to stop this now because sometimes people that are close to me are to afraid to lose my love, so they continue to enable me, but it's time I put a stop to it.

My ex-husband was the same way, he enabled my fucked up behavior for a long time...he didn't have a back bone, that was the line I used on him, but wasn't it me who made him that way over the years? I believe that people become conditioned to abuse, just as I had over the years, and they start to feel what the abuser wants them to feel...it's very sad to me, so I am going to work on forgiving myself and others because they were being abused by me.

I'm wondering how everyone is doing out there in the internet world? I'm glad that I have Tina's World back up and running...I've been missing it. I have to do some remodeling, so keep checking back often as I do some repair work on my site. Also, check out my sister site Summer Sunflower at: http://www.summersunflower.com Have a great day everyone.

March 18, 2006

I just got back from the gym and my body is really feeling fatigued. It has been a long time since I worked out because of my chronic pain. It feels really good. I am working with a trainer and he is helping me eat right and workout. Even though my body feels tired I really enjoyed the workout. I hope everyone has been enjoying my new pages. Have a great day! Love & Light, Tina

March 2, 2006

I am up late...it is 12:34 am and I feel tired. I just wanted to wish everyone a great day today...unless you've made other plans. I have class today and I don't even mind because I'm all caught up. I was able to mark 0 for yesterday in my anger workout book, which was nice. I didn't get or feel angry once yesterday. The grief that I've been allowing myself to feel has been expressed through a lot of anger, so I'm working hard on that in my life today. Ok, time for bed...I'm finally getting tired enough to go to bed. Love & Light, Tina

March 1, 2006

Hello everyone! I had a really good day today. I was actually able to catch up on my school work, so that makes me feel good. I added a new page today entitled How to Love Yourself by Louise L. Hay...check it out! If you go to my sitemap you will find the URL address for the page that I just mentioned. I haven't had a chance to actually add it to all my other pages yet. I will save that for tomorrow...sorry for the inconvenience. Love & Light, Tina

February 25, 2006

Well, Well look at me! I'm so excited today to be 6 years without a cigarette. I can't believe it's been that long...where did the time go? Withdrawing from sickarettes was one of the hardest things I've done on my journey of recovery, and I'm grateful that I haven't picked them up again despite the fact that I have wanted to on many different occasions. I could never go through the first 6 months of coming off of them again. I thank God and myself for my recovery today from nicotine addiction. I hope everyone has a great day. Love & Light, Tina

February 20, 2006

I feel grief stricken these days. I have been doing a lot of work on my childhood issues and realizing I feel a great sense of loss and sadness that I have never allowed myself to feel. This sense is so overwhelming that it weighs me down each day and I have all I can do to function and do what is expected of me. I cry all the time and it hurts my heart. I'm trying to trust that if I walk through it I can get to the other side of this grief and not have to run anymore because I feel tired of running all the time. I have ran so many different ways and I'm starting to see that now. I never know what to write in this online journal, but I will continue to keep everyone posted of my progress in a general sense. Thanks for visiting me today, and I hope you come back soon.

February 5, 2006

I have had a great weekend with a lot of time spent hanging out with people in recovery. I am really grateful to my Higher Power for helping me stay sober each day, and for giving me the strength and courage to start to go outside my comfortable zone and do service work at my homegroup and at the district level. Both positions have helped me to grow tremondously in my personal recovery. I truly feel blessed to be alive and sober today. Thank you God!

January 31, 2006

Welcome back everyone! I am really enjoying the good days that I'm having. I have to be cautious that I don't sabotage them because it is more familiar to me to feel miserable than good, so I remain hypervigilant to what has been working for me, which is calling my sponsor everyday, remaining active in my new AA homegroup, and doing service work at the AA district level, sponsoring others by sharing my experience, strength, and hope, doing attachment hypnosis, going to DBT classes, emailing my BPD online group, working on my website, EMDR, going to couples counseling, etc.

I have been dealing with chronic pain for over a year now and sometimes that really gets me down, but I keep trudging through it. I believe there is light at the end of the tunnel and that helps me to keep going. I have been seeing my chiropractor 3x a week now for two months and she says that I'm finally starting to stay aligned more than when I first went to see her. I just wish that I would get out of pain. I have also been going to massage therapy and that seems to help things some. I have also been asking God to perform a miracle on my body, for Him to heal it because I know that He can. Anyway, that is a quick update on what's happening in my world.

January 28, 2006

Hi everyone! I have been in a really good place for the last 5 or 6 days and it feels nice to be here. I have been struggling for a long time with a lot of issues in my life. I can contribute my good feelings to a lot of work that I have been doing. One of the big changes that I am doing is taking direction from my sponsor. I feel like I can really trust what she is saying and I believe she has my best interest at heart. Together we have been doing a lot of work on changing some lifelong patterns. I'm grateful that she is in my life. I hope everyone has a great day!

January 26, 2006

It is very early in the morning, almost 1:00am, and I'm having trouble sleeping so I thought I would work on my website until I get tired. I have DBT class this morning, so I know I will be dragging butt throughout the day. DBT stands for dialectical behavioral therapy for anyone who doesn't know. It has been a great place to learn to regulate my emotions by learning different skills designed by Marsha Linehan, Phd, who designed this program with borderline personality disorder in mind. I find it very helpful and I like the members of the group as well. The facilitators are really great and very knowledgeable.

January 25, 2006

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